Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Horse

Some things never change.  No matter how many times you've been to the hospital or the emergency room, the feeling of having to be there never changes.  In my head, I'm just standing there shaking my reality, I'm just standing there shaking my head.

I usually get a little overwhelmed at the initial realization that I have to go and why I'm going. My little Rosie basically has half of a heart and when I don't really know what's going on with her, I initially freak out a little.  I wasted about 3 minutes rumbling around trying to get a bag packed for both of us, not knowing if I should even spend the time to pack a bag, but really knowing that I should because you just never know if its one night or one week.  Once she started vomiting again, I got my ass in gear and both of us out the door.

I always think I'm going to be a rock throughout the whole thing and then I break down. Whether it be on the way there, anticipating what I will find out or when I actually get to the ER and see that there are 50 sick kids wearing masks because they might have the swine flu  and I realize that I can't protect her from that either. There's only so much worry that's worth worrying about.

This little trip reminded me of how fragile she still is and how much control over this situation I really don't have.  At some point over the last 2 years, I've learned how to make peace with it. I've come to realize that my energy is better spent making her smile or chasing her endlessly around the house.  All I can do is love my little girl and do my best to make the right decisions for her.  You do what you can, and take care of business when you have to.  Rosie is really the one who takes care of business on these trips.  Of course, she puts me to shame!

You can lose yourself in the seemingly endless what ifs, but in the end, just get yourself back up on the horse, and keep riding.  

Love IS all you need.  Saddle up.